First off let me say this has been a great week….comparatively. We tried some anti-anxiety medicine to calm down my heart rate and nerves and stop the onslaught of migraines. This worked. Also, I took it easy. I didn’t do much to write about. Also a gift from our now good friend Patty, has done wonders as well. She sent me a few boxes of Migraine patches that work sort of like ice packs, aromatherapy, and Dr. Scholls for your head. At the first tick of a headache, I put one of these cool patches on my head and there is almost instant relief. Definitely a blessing. I say that I took it slow this week and I am being honest. The weather was so beautiful this week and we really wanted to get out and take a walk. I had the start of a migraine by the time we were around the block. Home we went and we stopped it before it started. So needless to say, Chemo has made me pretty pitiful when it comes to athletic activity.
Another new discovery this week was the bath. Carly told me I really should try to take a hot bath to relax. I was skeptical at first, but after I spent half an hour soaking in our jacuzzi tub with the lights out and acoustic guitar pandora playing, I was sold. I have taken more baths this week than I have in the past 20 years. Now for us to just put in the hot tub out back…..(or install a Prefects bathroom, that would be even better minus Moaning Myrtle).
So with this new regimen of medicine, patches, baths, and other sorts I have had a pretty good week. Those around me have probably had more fun watching me deal with the medicine. It has made me a pretty goofy person for most of the week. I already make jokes, but now I am singing and laughing as well. It’s pretty comical. But I would much rather be goofy than wiped out from a migraine any day. So if you catch me singing songs from Footloose or Disney show tunes today, you know why.
As I have been this different person for the past couple of months I have seen a constant need to change. Christ calls us each day to leave our selfish desires behind and follow Him. I am the biggest person at fault for this. Although Cancer has truly shown me how easily a body is broken down, it has also shown me how easily a will can be. My words might help others and people might read this blog and think that I have it altogether. That I have a perfect relationship with Christ, that I make good decisions at every cross roads, that I am never evil minded towards others, that I study the bible and know it front to back, and so on and so on. I am here to tell you that all that is false. I am not what you think.
This week I have been a different person due to my goofy side effects. Daily I am a different person due to how close I am to Christ. It is posts like these that bring up Brennan Manning and The Ragamuffin Gospel. I am a beat up and burnt out follower. The journey is tough and honestly I can’t do it. Again don’t believe that I am a Saint or some perfect person, no I am the worst. I am the lowest of low. So where do I go from here. Where do I go from knee deep in sin and selfishness.
“But God demonstrates His love like this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Rom 5:8
“My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.” – Brennan Manning
I am reminded of something that a friend told me in college. Before you sin, Satan reminds you of God’s forgiveness. After you sin, Satan reminds you of God’s wrath. What a trick, we are fooled by. We think we are too dirty, too wrong, too ugly, too broken, too beyond gone, too lost, too mad, too doubtful, too scared, and too much work for God. We are wrong. He wants us.
He says come to me those who are hurting, those who are weary, those who long for love. He says come just like you are, bring all that dirt with you. I’ll clean you.
No, God is not what you think either. He is so much more than any of us can think. And He wants you with all that comes with it. What a joy divine.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Rom 8:38-39